DENIAL: A STRANGE VIRTUE

 +

Jesus said to his disciples, "Whoever wishes to come after me must deny himself, take up his cross, and follow me (Mt 16:24)

The expression "deny himself" in yesterday's gospel reading has been on my mind for two days now.

What unsettles me is the word "deny." In the context of Matthew 16 it's synonymous with "take up your cross," and every bible translation I looked up, including French and Spanish, translates the phrase as "deny yourself." Fine. Maybe "deny yourself" is one of those phrases that we use unthinkingly, assuming that we know what it means. But the phrase has left me wondering.

I'm sure that part of the problem is that for me, "denial" has become a loaded word, especially because I hear it so often with regard to people in counselling situations. When one of my students is living in denial, for example, and cannot face the reality of his situation, his life becomes unmanageable and starts to unravel. 

What's the opposite of "deny" anyway? Maybe "admit" or "accept" or even "embrace." These words seem to have a more life-giving feel.  

 Am I supposed to "deny" everything about myself? My existence? My bad points? My sinfulness? I'm not playing dumb here, I'm just uneasy with the expression. There must be some better ways of saying this. (After all, no one ever says that Jesus "denied himself.")

I consulted my Greek-English lexicon and found some food for reflection. The verb in Greek that's translated as "deny" is used in passages such as Peter's denying that he knows Jesus, or "One who denies me, the heavenly Father will deny him." But the lexicon offered three suggested synonyms that I found I could put into practical terms for my behavior more easily than the vague phrase "deny yourself."    

Here they are:

"If someone wishes to come after me, let him disregard himself." I can understand that; I've experienced the call to disregard my own wishes (I don't deny that they exist -- that's the point) in favor of someone else's wants or needs.

"If someone wishes to come after me, let him refuse to give thought to himself." I've watched the way a mother can refuse to give thought to herself when her child is in need.

"If someone wishes to come after me, let him not express concern for himself."  I see how much this is

ignored in our self-centered world where people refuse to wear masks or observe social distancing because they find such things uncomfortable. "They express concern for themselves" and have no regard for the safety of others. On a less lethal level, I can see how I can easily express concern for myself and make myself "Number One." 

Okay, so maybe I'm being too fussy and and just arguing about words, but I've found these three equivalent expressions to be helpful substitutes for "deny oneself." So, I'll stay away from every sort of denial and pick up my very real cross and try to follow in the footsteps of Christ on the way to Calvary as he "refuses to give thought to himself" and acts out of pure love.